I know that a lot of you have been praying for Ashley with her fight with cancer. I am sad to report that this morning she succumbed to pneumonia. The doctors decided to try one last mega dose of chemo in hopes that the impossible might happen. Unfortunately it caused pneumonia instead. I ask that you pray for her family, her parents, her sisters and all those who loved her. Her life was short but she touched many lives. It just ended way too soon. Send those prayers... they need them.
Night terrors...again
We had ANOTHER night this week with awful night terrors. Poor Abby was up every 45 minutes to an hour all night long from about 11pm. Then at around 3 she had a full on night terror. It is scary. Even when you know what you are looking at it scares the heck out of you. Your kid, not really there, moaning and whining and crying. They are inconsolable. You can't wake them. It just scares you half to death. So after about 3 hours sleep that night and terrible sleep the rest of the week we are all exhausted... except Brian who manages to sleep through regardless of the noise level. ;D Must be nice...
One click donates one cup of food
Go to The Hunger Site to donate a cup of food (for free!) to someone who could really use it. It's free and literally one click.
What's old is new again
You have to love that if you put a toy away for let's say a month and you "recover" that old toy it is as if they have never seen it before. This week out of sheer boredom I got out a couple of the girls toys that they used to love quite some time ago (like a year ago) and it was like Christmas morning. It is nice that SOMETIMES they can be easily pleased. 
Health Insurance
As we near the end of the year Brian and I have the same discussion we had last year. What do we do about our health insurance? If we choose one plan we have coverage for infertility treatment!!! That is a HUGE incentive. We didn't have infertility coverage until a little over a year ago and sadly we have never had the chance to use it. We promised that we would do at least one cycle this year. We came close but things got in the way. We have made the same promise for the coming year but who the hell knows.
As parents of a medically needy child things for us are different. We think about things we never thought about before. We know have to weight and add and evaluate the costs that we will pay for Abby's medical care each year. The MRI's, the blood work, the specialists, the adaptive equipment, the allergy tests, the therapy and on and on and on. Our insurance covers some but not most. We get left holding the bag on so many medical bills that we have a veritable mountain come tax time.
It's like being stuck in between two worlds. Do we pick the insurance that better covers the medical needs of the kids we have now or do we go with the plan which makes it possible to try for more? I realize the answer sounds easy. But try living it. Trying being faced with these issues on a daily basis. It sucks. It sucks having a kid with all these medical and other needs. It sucks knowing that we can't have more kids unless we are willing to pay thousands of dollar for a CHANCE to become pregnant and MAYBE a viable pregnancy. The whole thing seems like such a quagmire it's hard to tell which end is up.
What to do? What to do?
Waves
The situation with my sisters pregnancy ebbs and flows like the rising and falling of the tides. I am angry. I feel less angry. I get angry again and it wanes a little more. Right now I feel like the anger is peaking again. My sisters plan for raising this child is for it to be with it's "father" when he is home then the rest of the days (when my sister works, doesn't feel like being a mother or wants to sleep) will be divided between me, my Mom and my older sister. Here's the problem(s) as I see them.
1. This child deserves continuity. How in the hell can you have a nap schedule when 16 people are raising a child???
2. This kids father could give a crap about it's well-being.
3. As much as it pains me to say it you can repeat #2 about the child's mother.
4. My mom is too old to be shouldering this responsibility.
5. As my Mom is raising my nephews (who are the other two of my sisters children... who she doesn't raise) it would kill them to have this new baby, their half sister, come in and our of their lives upon my sisters whims.
6. My older sister needs to get her life on track. She has been through some tough times and being a part of raising a child is not easy for someone who needs to get their life in order.
7. So that leaves me... and my husband... and my children. Who will likely carry the weight of this load. And what a load. To watch this child come and go into a household where diaper changes and midnight feedings *MIGHT* happen if she is lucky. Where her father thinks spanking a 6 month old is reasonable. Where her mother is more concerned with what medications she can get back on rather than worrying about breast feeding.
The whole thing makes me sad and angry and hurt all at the same time. How can this kid be brought into a world to a mother who could care less when I have to sit and watch people who I love struggle endlessly with infertility. How can this be fair? Why do I have to wait to even TRY for more children because I MIGHT have to help raise this child. What about this is fair? What about this is reasonable? How in the hell do I explain this to my daughters? Or myself? It feels a little like a nightmare. You watch it unfold and you are relatively powerless to do a damn thing.
Beautiful Quilt Giveaway
I am not usually one to post about or even sign up for blog giveaways. I found this one today and not only took the time to enter but also to blog about it. These would make such a beautiful gift idea for someone you have no idea what to get for Christmas. Check it our here.
Hats!
We got these adorable hats to match the girls winter hats from Gap kids. It doesn't get that cold in NJ but I couldn't resist. 
Getting rid of old things
I spent the better part of my afternoon today going through my attic. My sister had asked me if I had anything I would be willing to "lend" her for her baby. As you know this is not a simple case of having a pregnant sister. Instead I have a mentally ill sister, pregnant for the 3rd time with a third guy who is emotionally and verbally abusive and she allows herself to be in this situation. Anyway, I digress (yet again)...
I decided that I would be the bigger person and since she cannot afford much for her child I would contribute as much as I could. So I went through all my old stuff and put aside about 2/4 of it for her. Let me just tell you how difficult that was. Not the simple PITA act of going through the attic, going through bag after bag of clothes, sorting, etc. The pain came in going through my girls things and giving them away under these circumstances. When I sadly packaged up the girls tiny baby stuff I always assumed I would get pregnant again and get to bring it all back out again. Here I am bringing it all back out to give to someone who doesn't know how to be a mother, who doesn't really WANT to be a mother.
I know I am doing the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier.
The strange things they do...
When they put their little heads together. Who would think jumping in the air and landing on your butt could be so much fun???
Happy Turkey Day
Thsi year I have so much to be thankful for... my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, my home, my job, my husbands job, a steady paycheck, living in a country that even in a time of crisis means I am still better off than most of the world. I am just plain thankful!
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families.
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